Words from a REAL Father

My Dad recently wrote in the Guestbook of our wedding website. His words were so beautiful and sincere that I had to share.

Ashanti, It has been hard for me to write this because it means that my little girl is all grown up. I can't express enough how proud I am to be your dad. God really blessed me when He brought you into my life and made me your covering. Being your covering was a honor that I accepted proudly and now God has chosen Jay to be your covering. Jay, God gave me someone very precious and now I must release her to you. I know that you will be a great husband, provider, and most importantly friend. Ashanti, November 12, 2011 will be a new chapter in your life and I am proud to be there to help you walk into it.
I love you,
Daddy

This just confirms what I expressed in my last post. Words can't express how blessed I am to have him in my life!

Who Gives this Woman to be Married to this Man?

Every bride dreams about walking down the aisle towards her groom on her wedding day. You visualize your dress, shoes, hair and make-up. And if you have an overactive imagination like I do you probably can even hear the sound of Wagner’s “Bridal Chorus” being played by a string quartet. I think of all if this when I dream about my wedding day. I also have a nightmare that my biological father will throw a fit, tackle my Dad, and take me down in the process. Crazy! I know. But it’s honestly how I feel. Unfortunately, like many people in this world I have a biological father and I have the father who raised me.

My biological father was there sporadically in the beginning of my life…or at least that’s what I’ve been told. I honestly can’t remember ever living with him. My earliest memory of interacting with him is when he used to pick me up every other weekend from my Mom. The weekends were filled with my favorite candy, a new toy, being able to stay out until the street lights came on, and no bedtime. It was like a vacation. When I was 8 my mom met and married my Daddy. In the beginning there was a lot of “You’re not my father” and “I don’t have to listen to you” going on, but after my first major spanking and punishment I learned not to utter those words. In my young mind my biological father was a shining star and my Daddy was just the man who stole my mother. But after a year of my Daddy putting up with my semi-bad behavior I realized that he truly loved and cared about me. At around the same time I started to realize that my biological father was not all that I thought. He started missing weekends, breaking promises, and missing recitals. The biggest disappointment came when I was 14 and he told me he was moving to Atlanta. He never told me a timeline, but he said that he was currently looking for a job. Three weeks later I called to wish him a happy birthday. His number had been disconnected. He moved without telling me goodbye.

I thank God that I was blessed to have my Daddy in my life because if I had to rely on my biological father I would be all messed up. My Daddy was there for all of my accomplishments and failures; he sacrificed to get me what I needed and even what I wanted. He is the epitome of what a father should be. I love him with all my heart and soul. He is the reason that I am the woman I am today. And that’s why my Daddy is walking me down the aisle, presenting me to my future husband, and receiving all of the privileges and honor of being the father of the bride. He deserves to shine on my wedding day as much as I do.

Some of my family and friends have asked me if I told my biological father that his only role at my wedding is that of a guest. I actually never thought I needed to tell him. In my mind he should already know. But a part of me believes that he thinks that he has been a good father. It’s crazy, but I honestly think that he believes that he has done everything that he could for me. As the wedding draws closer, I have been debating whether or not to let him know that he isn’t walking me down the aisle. It’s a conversation that I really don’t want to have because it will require me to tell him why he isn’t playing the role of the father of the bride. He hasn’t contributed anything in planning or paying for my wedding. More importantly, he hasn’t contributed anything into making me who I am! It’s a tough situation to be in, but I am going with my heart on this one. Maybe this will help him realize that our relationship…or the lack of one…needs improvement. We shall see.  

Bride Advice: Trunk Shows and Sample Sales

Trunk Shows and Sample Sales are great ways for brides to get a first look at new designs from their favorite designers. At many events you get to talk with a representative from the company or even the designer! In addition, many of the designers offer discounts!

Now before you run out and start shopping there are a few things to keep in mind.

1.     Make sure you make an appointment. Many of these events are by appointment only and don’t accept walk-ins.

2.     You must be ready to purchase the dress the same day. Needless to say Trunk Shows and Sample Sales are not for indecisive brides.

3.     Leave the entourage at home. Only bring the one or two people whose opinion you trust the most.

You can find out when your favorite designer is having a Trunk Show or Sample Sale by visiting their website. Also, you can give a call to your favorite bridal salon to get a list of upcoming events.

For my New York brides, Pronovias Bridal and Sarantina are having events this weekend.

Pronovias Bridal Sample Sale

Sunday, March 13^th

Pronovias Flagship Store – 14 E. 52^nd Street

Call (212) 897-6393 for an appointment

Sarantina Trunk Show

Friday, March 11^th – Sunday, March 13^th

Gabriella New York Bridal Salon – 400 W. 14^th Street

Call (212) 206-1915 for an appointment

HAPPY SHOPPING!!!

Bride Advice: The Guest List

So far I have enjoyed planning my upcoming wedding. However, the one thing that is the absolutely bane to my existence is the guest list. Friends and colleagues that have already gotten married tried to warn me that people would come out of the woodwork expecting an invitation. I thought they were exaggerating but they were actually being conservative.

EXAMPLE 1: A great-aunt that I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years was offended that her kids might not be invited. She actually got on the phone to complain to my maternal grandmother.

EXAMPLE 2: My biological father told me not to forget to invite my grandmother and her husband. I barely have a relationship with the biological. My relationship with his mother is nonexistent. I don’t even know her husband’s name!

EXAMPLE 3: One of my ex-boyfriends called to ask if he was invited. At first I thought he was joking. Unfortunately he was very serious. Needless to say my answer of “HELL NO!!!” wasn’t what he expected.

At first I would get extremely upset. These people who I barely spoke to were adding drama to what was supposed to be a happy experience. I was ready to hop on a plane and elope. It was a horrible feeling that I wouldn’t wish on ANYONE!!! Here are some things to keep in mind that will hopefully prevent anyone else from entering guest list hell.

1.    Remember that the most important thing is your marriage not the wedding. The wedding is just one day. Your marriage will (hopefully) last forever. If you put it in this perspective, you won’t be so stressed about little things pertaining to the one day.

2.    It’s about you and your fiancé. Your wedding day is the one day where you can say it’s all about you. Now I’m not saying to go overboard and become a bridezilla, but you can’t be concerned with trying to make everyone happy.

3.    Someone that you haven’t spoken to in years doesn’t need to be at your wedding. Do you really need to invite your third cousin twice removed that you haven’t communicated with since your Sweet Sixteen?

4.    Leave the drama makers at home. The person who always causes a scene, starts a fight or gets excessively drunk and throws up everywhere can stay at home. You don’t need any added stress.

5.    Someone will inevitably be left out. Unless you have unlimited funds i.e. Platinum Weddings, you can’t possibly invite everyone.

6.    Invite people for the love they give, not the gift. We all know that weddings are extremely expensive and that you hope to get good gifts out of it. But don’t let the fact that someone wouldn’t be able to buy you something prevent you from sending them an invitation. Make sure that the people you truly love and care about are there to witness your nuptials.

Keep these things in mind and hopefully you will have a smooth guest list process. Happy planning!

Miss Independent is Getting Married

Ne-Yo’s Miss Independent is definitely one of my favorite songs. When the song came out I felt like it was an acknowledgement and dedication to all the single hardworking women that were out there. I used to play the song over and over again. It was so bad that I even had the ringtone. I pride myself on being independent. I have a good job, my own place, excellent credit and I don’t need anyone to do anything for me.

And that’s exactly what I told my FI around our second or third date. We went to dinner and I was determined to pay. When he objected, I looked him dead in the eye and said, “Listen, I’m dating you because of YOU. I don’t want or need anything from you. The only thing I need you for is companionship. I don’t want your money, because I have my own. I live by myself and I take care of myself and that’s how I like it. If you can’t deal then I don’t know what to tell you”. He just looked at me, nodded his head, and said, “Alright! You got it”. YES! Victory!

Looking back at it now I can tell you that it was all a defense mechanism. I was hurt by more than a few of my boyfriends in the past. They felt that I needed them and in turn would walk all over me emotionally. After the last devastating break-up I was determined to never let a man feel like I needed them again. Instead I would let them know that I wanted them. The difference is that when you NEED something it’s for your survival. When you WANT something it’s based on your tastes and preferences at the time. So, on that date with my FI I made sure that he knew he was wanted and not needed.

My inner Miss Independent would come out to play over the course of my dating relationship. On gift giving holidays I would tell him I didn’t need him to buy me anything. If I wanted something I would just buy it myself. When he made a comment about me being high maintenance I told him that he could be concerned about my maintenance habits when he started footing the bill. Until then, don’t worry about it. I was crazy with it. I made sure that I reminded him of my independence every time I had a chance.

Finally, after about a year of dating he looked at me one day and said, “You know, I love you but you really need to cut that Miss Independent stuff out. It’s really starting to bother me. I know you’re independent. I know you can take care of yourself, but I WANT to do things for you”. I was speechless. Not because what he said was so profound, but because I realized that by trying to protect myself from being hurt, I was actually hurting him. He couldn’t fully treat me the way he wanted to because I was getting in the way. On that day I vowed to keep my Miss Independent in check.

It’s been hard, but I’m getting better at it. Now, before anyone gets all up in arms I’m not saying that I’ve become completely dependent on my FI. Instead I’m learning how to control the urge to remind him that I can take care of myself. He already knows this and honestly, it’s one of the things he loves most about me. I think he said it to me best. Most people come to a relationship thinking that you need each person to put in 50% to make it 100% when they need to bring 100% to help the relationship function in abundance. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Who wants to be in the relationship with someone who doesn’t give 100% of themselves? Or worse, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who is needy? Being independent isn’t a bad thing; it’s actually great to be able to function as a fully capable, successful adult. The problem comes when you feel the need to constantly remind someone of your independence. That’s what I was doing. I’m independent, but now that I’m getting married I’m learning how to work with my future husband to build a healthy and prosperous future.

Yup….He’s the ONE!!

When I first announced my engagement to my friends and family I was met with mixed reactions. My parents were beyond happy for my FI (that’s bride shorthand for fiancé) and I. My biological father asked me if I was sure I wanted to get married o_O! But the main reaction I got was, “OMG!!!! I can’t believe YOU’RE getting MARRIED! How did you know he was the one?” Now some people would have gotten offended with such a reaction, but I understood where my friends were coming from. I mean honestly I can’t believe I’m getting married.

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane…or as my girls’ might say “The Walk of Shame”.

I didn’t date when I was in high school. My parents (especially my mother) were extremely strict when it came to dating. Blame it on the fact that my mother was pregnant with me at 19 or the fact that my father remembered how he was as a teenager. I don’t know the reasoning, but I do know that when I hit the ripe age of 16 my parents shut down all hope I had of having a boyfriend. Well fast forward to my first year in college and all of that changed because of one thing….F-R-E-E-D-O-M!! That’s right I was free and 900 miles away from the watchful eye of mommy and daddy. Please believe I made up for lost time. Between the ages of 19 and 26 I was rarely without a male “friend”. Notice I didn’t use the term “boyfriend” and for good reason. Most of the guys I became involved with were never boyfriend material. I began this downward spiral of emotional and mental destruction, choosing one guy after the next who I knew weren’t good enough for me.

**Side Note** There is such a thing as someone not being good enough for you. If you have goals and ambition and the person you are messing with is content with sitting on their momma’s sofa and mooching off of others, then that person is NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!! END OF STORY! It took me a long time to get this through my head and internalize it. I’ll leave that to another blog post though.

Now, I didn’t come from a broken home. I didn’t have “Daddy Issues”. Yet I “dated” these random guys because….well because I could. There was no one there to stop me. At times my friends would hint at the fact that I was out of control, but then we would go back to partying and BSing. I was young and I wanted to have fun. Looking back on those years I see all of the mistakes that I made but they have made me the person I am today.

Dealing with all the random guys made it possible for me to know when I had the real thing. He was opposite of almost every other person I was with. Being with him made it easy to be me. When we talk, it’s like I am talking to a part of myself that I was missing. He made me feel whole! I know it sounds cheesy but what I am saying is biblically based. Genesis 2:21-23 – (21) So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. (22) Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. (23) The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” When God made Eve he took something from Adam and placed it in her. Adam was incomplete without Eve and in turn without Adam, Eve was not where she was meant to be. That’s how I knew my FI was the one. I felt at home with him. I found where I needed to be. So yes, sometimes it’s still a shocker that I am getting married. But I can say without a doubt that he is the ONE!