Miss Independent is Getting Married

Ne-Yo’s Miss Independent is definitely one of my favorite songs. When the song came out I felt like it was an acknowledgement and dedication to all the single hardworking women that were out there. I used to play the song over and over again. It was so bad that I even had the ringtone. I pride myself on being independent. I have a good job, my own place, excellent credit and I don’t need anyone to do anything for me.

And that’s exactly what I told my FI around our second or third date. We went to dinner and I was determined to pay. When he objected, I looked him dead in the eye and said, “Listen, I’m dating you because of YOU. I don’t want or need anything from you. The only thing I need you for is companionship. I don’t want your money, because I have my own. I live by myself and I take care of myself and that’s how I like it. If you can’t deal then I don’t know what to tell you”. He just looked at me, nodded his head, and said, “Alright! You got it”. YES! Victory!

Looking back at it now I can tell you that it was all a defense mechanism. I was hurt by more than a few of my boyfriends in the past. They felt that I needed them and in turn would walk all over me emotionally. After the last devastating break-up I was determined to never let a man feel like I needed them again. Instead I would let them know that I wanted them. The difference is that when you NEED something it’s for your survival. When you WANT something it’s based on your tastes and preferences at the time. So, on that date with my FI I made sure that he knew he was wanted and not needed.

My inner Miss Independent would come out to play over the course of my dating relationship. On gift giving holidays I would tell him I didn’t need him to buy me anything. If I wanted something I would just buy it myself. When he made a comment about me being high maintenance I told him that he could be concerned about my maintenance habits when he started footing the bill. Until then, don’t worry about it. I was crazy with it. I made sure that I reminded him of my independence every time I had a chance.

Finally, after about a year of dating he looked at me one day and said, “You know, I love you but you really need to cut that Miss Independent stuff out. It’s really starting to bother me. I know you’re independent. I know you can take care of yourself, but I WANT to do things for you”. I was speechless. Not because what he said was so profound, but because I realized that by trying to protect myself from being hurt, I was actually hurting him. He couldn’t fully treat me the way he wanted to because I was getting in the way. On that day I vowed to keep my Miss Independent in check.

It’s been hard, but I’m getting better at it. Now, before anyone gets all up in arms I’m not saying that I’ve become completely dependent on my FI. Instead I’m learning how to control the urge to remind him that I can take care of myself. He already knows this and honestly, it’s one of the things he loves most about me. I think he said it to me best. Most people come to a relationship thinking that you need each person to put in 50% to make it 100% when they need to bring 100% to help the relationship function in abundance. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Who wants to be in the relationship with someone who doesn’t give 100% of themselves? Or worse, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who is needy? Being independent isn’t a bad thing; it’s actually great to be able to function as a fully capable, successful adult. The problem comes when you feel the need to constantly remind someone of your independence. That’s what I was doing. I’m independent, but now that I’m getting married I’m learning how to work with my future husband to build a healthy and prosperous future.