Best Thing I Never Had

When Beyonce sang "It sucks to be you right now" on her newest single "Best Thing I Never Had" I couldn't help but break into a smile. I immediately thought of one of the few guys that I called my boyfriend. I loved (at least I thought it was love) this man with all my heart and soul. I spent years of my life waiting, hoping, praying that he was the one. When we decided to take a break I still had hope that we would get back together. He would visit me, tell me he missed me, and how he knew I was the one. He just needed to "get his life together". Then it happened. As Bey says, he showed his ass! I found out that while he was coming to see me and telling me everything I wanted to hear, he was living with someone else. He said it wasn't true. He said that he wasn't living with her anymore. But the fact was I saw the real him. I saw how selfish he was. Now he's alone. And I'm getting ready to marry one of the most loving, caring, humble, supportive men I have ever met. So yeah, "I bet it sucks to be you right now".

Adventures in Marriage Counseling: Dating on the Cheap

Marriage counseling is one of the most important things that a couple should do when getting prepared for marriage. Marriage counseling is like taking driving lessons. You wouldn’t get in a car with someone who never took a lesson, so why jump into a marriage without lessons. It’s true that nothing can truly prepare you for what it’s like to be married, but counseling can at least point you in the right direction. My honey and I are being counseled by Bishop Cox who has been married over 30 years. It is refreshing to get biblical based advice from someone who has been where we are about to go.

One of the first things Bishop Cox told us is to learn how to go out on a date without spending a bunch of money. The reason he said this is because every marriage is tested and sometimes the test deals with money…or the lack of it. He challenged us to go out on a date and not to spend a lot of money.

So that next week we went on a date to Brooklyn Bridge Park. We had dinner together at home and then drove over to the Bridge. We found a FREE parking space and then walked along the water looking at the beautiful NYC skyline. We stopped at the ice cream parlor and sat and had some ice cream ($7.00). We talked about any and everything and before we knew it 2 hours had went by. The total cost for our date was like $12 if you factor in the cost of gas. I say that’s pretty cheap.

Since then we have been on a couple of more cheap dates thanks to LivingSocial and Groupon. Recently we went to the movies and only spent $9.00. After the movie we had lunch and went for a walk. I am also always on the lookout for cheap restaurants and now that it’s summer there are a bunch of free concerts and street fairs.

We promised each other that when we get married and eventually have children we will continue to spend time with each other. And now that I am on to cheap dates, we aren’t spending more than $25, LOL!

A (Musical) Dedication to My Future Husband

This morning I rolled over and saw my future husband. He looked so peaceful as he slept. Every care put on hold. Every worry cast aside. In that very moment all my feelings for him felt like they multiplied. This man has given me so much without evening knowing it. Shoot, I didn't even know it. I thank God for him. As I was staring at him (in a non-stalker kind of way) the words to Jill Scott's "The Fact Is (I Need You)" popped into my head. Often times I joke with him and tell him how much he needs me and how blessed he is to be with me, but the truth is I NEED him in my life much more than I ever thought I would be willing to admit. So this morning I am dedicating this song to the man that I thought I would never "need" but that I always wanted.

"The Fact Is (I Need You)"

Jill Scott
I can pay my own light bill baby
Pump my own gas in my own car
I can buy my own shoe collection
I've been blessed thus far
I can kill the spider above my bed
Although it's hard because I'm scared
I can even stain and polyurethane
But some things just don't change
I need you yeah
Sometimes so hard to say oh
I need you
Some things remain
I could buy my own groceries baby
Get my hair tight, my nails right
I can floss my own bling bling
Write the words to the songs I sing
I can even raise the child we'll make
Make sure he's loved and knows what God gave us
I can teach him how to walk and stand
But he needs you to help him be a man
We need you
So hard to say
We need you
Some things don't change
I could be congresswoman
Or a garbage woman or
Police officer, or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer and a mother and a good girl
God what you've done to me
Kind of lover I could be
I could be a computer analyst, the Queen with the nappy hair raising her fist
Or I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, sweet as the first kiss
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
And even though I can do all these things
We need you
We need you
We need you
And even though I can do all these things by my damn self
I need you
I do, I do, I do, I do
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
We need you
We do
We need you yeah
We need you

The Ring Doesn't Mean A Thing

When I got engaged one of the things I was happy about was no longer being a single girl in New York City. Now don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with being single. I enjoyed the majority of my single life.  Even now, I sometimes have a hard time forgoing my single ways. But in my naïve mind I thought that getting engaged would end all of the foolishness that came with being a single woman.  I’m talking about getting hit on. I really believed that my engagement ring would be like a little protective bubble against idiots, assholes and hood dudes. Sadly, it’s not!

I was on my way home the other day and a guy approached me, actually he grabbed me. We’ll call him Never because even if I was single I would NEVER give him the time of day.  So anyway, Never takes it upon himself to touch me which is a big no-no. Forgive me, but I have a thing with strangers touching me.  Once he grabbed my hand my inner hood rat came out and I snatched my hand away and gave him the meanest look I could muster.  Never had the audacity to look at me like I did something wrong and say, “What’s wrong with you?” Did I miss something here? A complete stranger grabs me and then has the gall to question what’s wrong with ME! Hilarious! I began to tell him that 1) I didn’t appreciate him touching me and 2) I was engaged. He proceeded to tell me that he didn’t care about my man and that he bet he could “put it down” better than my man could. I snickered at him as I walked away which I guess wasn’t the reaction he expected. He then called me an uppity bitch. I just shook my head and continued walking.

When I got home I began to wonder what happened to chivalry and the respect of women and the institution of marriage. Why did I have to be a bitch because I didn’t want some random dude touching me? There have been so many times when I have been called out of my name because I didn’t want to give a guy my number or didn’t turn around with eyes of passion when the local mating call of “Ey Ma” was tossed my way. But I thought that the sparkling solitaire diamond on my finger would protect me from such attacks. I really thought that being engaged and married garnered more respect than just having a boyfriend. I was clearly mistaken. Men need to learn how to be men and respect women. The crazy thing is that these dudes that disrespect women and the institution of marriage would probably be the first ones ready to fight if someone hit on or disrespected a woman they cared about. We need to teach our young men how to be real men and not some caricature they see on TV. Maybe then the disrespect will come to an end.

The Best Wedding Surprise (So Far)

Hi Everyone! I know it’s been a long time since I’ve done an entry. First it was that I was super busy with my final semester of grad school and all the hoopla of graduation. Then I felt that I didn’t have anything important to say or any big news to share. Well that changed last Saturday.

There are three wedding details that in my mind have to be perfect – invitations, our cake, and my dress. Last Saturday I took care of the dress. I went to several appointments prior to Saturday and narrowed it down to three dresses. I wanted my dress shopping experience to be something that my mother and I shared. I’m her only daughter and she didn’t have this opportunity with her own mother. First, my parents got married at City Hall. Second, my mother and grandmother don’t have that type of relationship. Anyway, my dress was supposed to be a special mother/daughter moment.

A month before the big day, my mom calls me and says that she thinks I should ask my aunt to come along. Our conversation went something like this:

Mom: You should ask your aunt to come along.
Me: No. This is OUR day.
Mom: It won’t hurt. It’ll be nice.
Me: But Moooooom…. (Yeah, I said it like I five year old).
Mom: Ummmmm….how old are you? Anyway, just do it for me.
Me: Yeah, ok.

Those that know me personally know that I can NEVER tell my mother no. It's not that I don't try. No is usually the first response. However, my mother has a way of convincing me aka making me feel guilty, until I change my mind.

So on the day of me, my mom and aunt went to make the final decision on my dress. We arrived at my 10am appointment bright and early. We looked at shoes, played with veils and hair accessories and tried on my top three contenders. When I stepped out in my favorite dress I knew it was the one. My aunt looked like she was going to cry and my mom was speechless. I turned and looked in the mirror. The dress was perfect. When the consultant added the headpiece and veil I just knew that was the dress I wanted to walk down the aisle in. This was the dress that was going to take me from Miss to Mrs. I discussed cost with the consultant. I had stayed well within the $2,000 dress budget that my honey had set for me. **Side note: Maybe I just don't have the bride gene, but I refused to spend that much money on a dress that I would have on for like five hours. My dress was $700. Holla!!!!**

So after, calculating the price for my dress, veil and headpiece, I walked to the front of the store to pay. I had my American Express ready to go when my aunt beat me to the punch!! I turned and looked at her. My actually words were "Wait...what?!?” My aunt surprised me by paying for my dress. I burst into tears in the middle of the store which started a chain reaction of crying between my aunt, my mom, the consultant and some random people that were standing at the front of the store. I just couldn't believe her generosity. I just kept saying thank you and how much I appreciated her and what she had done. Later on she told me that most of what I said was inaudible and sounded like a bunch of gibberish, but she got the point. Apparently, she had told my mom that she wanted to buy my dress the day she found out I was getting married.

I learned a valuable lesson that day: Sometimes it pays to just listen to people (that you trust) and go with the flow. Even though I had wanted dress shopping to be a "Mommy and Me" experience, I would have missed out on my blessing if I didn't listen to my mother. Needless to say the experience was still as wonderful, if not better!

Words from a REAL Father

My Dad recently wrote in the Guestbook of our wedding website. His words were so beautiful and sincere that I had to share.

Ashanti, It has been hard for me to write this because it means that my little girl is all grown up. I can't express enough how proud I am to be your dad. God really blessed me when He brought you into my life and made me your covering. Being your covering was a honor that I accepted proudly and now God has chosen Jay to be your covering. Jay, God gave me someone very precious and now I must release her to you. I know that you will be a great husband, provider, and most importantly friend. Ashanti, November 12, 2011 will be a new chapter in your life and I am proud to be there to help you walk into it.
I love you,
Daddy

This just confirms what I expressed in my last post. Words can't express how blessed I am to have him in my life!

Who Gives this Woman to be Married to this Man?

Every bride dreams about walking down the aisle towards her groom on her wedding day. You visualize your dress, shoes, hair and make-up. And if you have an overactive imagination like I do you probably can even hear the sound of Wagner’s “Bridal Chorus” being played by a string quartet. I think of all if this when I dream about my wedding day. I also have a nightmare that my biological father will throw a fit, tackle my Dad, and take me down in the process. Crazy! I know. But it’s honestly how I feel. Unfortunately, like many people in this world I have a biological father and I have the father who raised me.

My biological father was there sporadically in the beginning of my life…or at least that’s what I’ve been told. I honestly can’t remember ever living with him. My earliest memory of interacting with him is when he used to pick me up every other weekend from my Mom. The weekends were filled with my favorite candy, a new toy, being able to stay out until the street lights came on, and no bedtime. It was like a vacation. When I was 8 my mom met and married my Daddy. In the beginning there was a lot of “You’re not my father” and “I don’t have to listen to you” going on, but after my first major spanking and punishment I learned not to utter those words. In my young mind my biological father was a shining star and my Daddy was just the man who stole my mother. But after a year of my Daddy putting up with my semi-bad behavior I realized that he truly loved and cared about me. At around the same time I started to realize that my biological father was not all that I thought. He started missing weekends, breaking promises, and missing recitals. The biggest disappointment came when I was 14 and he told me he was moving to Atlanta. He never told me a timeline, but he said that he was currently looking for a job. Three weeks later I called to wish him a happy birthday. His number had been disconnected. He moved without telling me goodbye.

I thank God that I was blessed to have my Daddy in my life because if I had to rely on my biological father I would be all messed up. My Daddy was there for all of my accomplishments and failures; he sacrificed to get me what I needed and even what I wanted. He is the epitome of what a father should be. I love him with all my heart and soul. He is the reason that I am the woman I am today. And that’s why my Daddy is walking me down the aisle, presenting me to my future husband, and receiving all of the privileges and honor of being the father of the bride. He deserves to shine on my wedding day as much as I do.

Some of my family and friends have asked me if I told my biological father that his only role at my wedding is that of a guest. I actually never thought I needed to tell him. In my mind he should already know. But a part of me believes that he thinks that he has been a good father. It’s crazy, but I honestly think that he believes that he has done everything that he could for me. As the wedding draws closer, I have been debating whether or not to let him know that he isn’t walking me down the aisle. It’s a conversation that I really don’t want to have because it will require me to tell him why he isn’t playing the role of the father of the bride. He hasn’t contributed anything in planning or paying for my wedding. More importantly, he hasn’t contributed anything into making me who I am! It’s a tough situation to be in, but I am going with my heart on this one. Maybe this will help him realize that our relationship…or the lack of one…needs improvement. We shall see.  

Bride Advice: Trunk Shows and Sample Sales

Trunk Shows and Sample Sales are great ways for brides to get a first look at new designs from their favorite designers. At many events you get to talk with a representative from the company or even the designer! In addition, many of the designers offer discounts!

Now before you run out and start shopping there are a few things to keep in mind.

1.     Make sure you make an appointment. Many of these events are by appointment only and don’t accept walk-ins.

2.     You must be ready to purchase the dress the same day. Needless to say Trunk Shows and Sample Sales are not for indecisive brides.

3.     Leave the entourage at home. Only bring the one or two people whose opinion you trust the most.

You can find out when your favorite designer is having a Trunk Show or Sample Sale by visiting their website. Also, you can give a call to your favorite bridal salon to get a list of upcoming events.

For my New York brides, Pronovias Bridal and Sarantina are having events this weekend.

Pronovias Bridal Sample Sale

Sunday, March 13^th

Pronovias Flagship Store – 14 E. 52^nd Street

Call (212) 897-6393 for an appointment

Sarantina Trunk Show

Friday, March 11^th – Sunday, March 13^th

Gabriella New York Bridal Salon – 400 W. 14^th Street

Call (212) 206-1915 for an appointment

HAPPY SHOPPING!!!

Bride Advice: The Guest List

So far I have enjoyed planning my upcoming wedding. However, the one thing that is the absolutely bane to my existence is the guest list. Friends and colleagues that have already gotten married tried to warn me that people would come out of the woodwork expecting an invitation. I thought they were exaggerating but they were actually being conservative.

EXAMPLE 1: A great-aunt that I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years was offended that her kids might not be invited. She actually got on the phone to complain to my maternal grandmother.

EXAMPLE 2: My biological father told me not to forget to invite my grandmother and her husband. I barely have a relationship with the biological. My relationship with his mother is nonexistent. I don’t even know her husband’s name!

EXAMPLE 3: One of my ex-boyfriends called to ask if he was invited. At first I thought he was joking. Unfortunately he was very serious. Needless to say my answer of “HELL NO!!!” wasn’t what he expected.

At first I would get extremely upset. These people who I barely spoke to were adding drama to what was supposed to be a happy experience. I was ready to hop on a plane and elope. It was a horrible feeling that I wouldn’t wish on ANYONE!!! Here are some things to keep in mind that will hopefully prevent anyone else from entering guest list hell.

1.    Remember that the most important thing is your marriage not the wedding. The wedding is just one day. Your marriage will (hopefully) last forever. If you put it in this perspective, you won’t be so stressed about little things pertaining to the one day.

2.    It’s about you and your fiancé. Your wedding day is the one day where you can say it’s all about you. Now I’m not saying to go overboard and become a bridezilla, but you can’t be concerned with trying to make everyone happy.

3.    Someone that you haven’t spoken to in years doesn’t need to be at your wedding. Do you really need to invite your third cousin twice removed that you haven’t communicated with since your Sweet Sixteen?

4.    Leave the drama makers at home. The person who always causes a scene, starts a fight or gets excessively drunk and throws up everywhere can stay at home. You don’t need any added stress.

5.    Someone will inevitably be left out. Unless you have unlimited funds i.e. Platinum Weddings, you can’t possibly invite everyone.

6.    Invite people for the love they give, not the gift. We all know that weddings are extremely expensive and that you hope to get good gifts out of it. But don’t let the fact that someone wouldn’t be able to buy you something prevent you from sending them an invitation. Make sure that the people you truly love and care about are there to witness your nuptials.

Keep these things in mind and hopefully you will have a smooth guest list process. Happy planning!

Miss Independent is Getting Married

Ne-Yo’s Miss Independent is definitely one of my favorite songs. When the song came out I felt like it was an acknowledgement and dedication to all the single hardworking women that were out there. I used to play the song over and over again. It was so bad that I even had the ringtone. I pride myself on being independent. I have a good job, my own place, excellent credit and I don’t need anyone to do anything for me.

And that’s exactly what I told my FI around our second or third date. We went to dinner and I was determined to pay. When he objected, I looked him dead in the eye and said, “Listen, I’m dating you because of YOU. I don’t want or need anything from you. The only thing I need you for is companionship. I don’t want your money, because I have my own. I live by myself and I take care of myself and that’s how I like it. If you can’t deal then I don’t know what to tell you”. He just looked at me, nodded his head, and said, “Alright! You got it”. YES! Victory!

Looking back at it now I can tell you that it was all a defense mechanism. I was hurt by more than a few of my boyfriends in the past. They felt that I needed them and in turn would walk all over me emotionally. After the last devastating break-up I was determined to never let a man feel like I needed them again. Instead I would let them know that I wanted them. The difference is that when you NEED something it’s for your survival. When you WANT something it’s based on your tastes and preferences at the time. So, on that date with my FI I made sure that he knew he was wanted and not needed.

My inner Miss Independent would come out to play over the course of my dating relationship. On gift giving holidays I would tell him I didn’t need him to buy me anything. If I wanted something I would just buy it myself. When he made a comment about me being high maintenance I told him that he could be concerned about my maintenance habits when he started footing the bill. Until then, don’t worry about it. I was crazy with it. I made sure that I reminded him of my independence every time I had a chance.

Finally, after about a year of dating he looked at me one day and said, “You know, I love you but you really need to cut that Miss Independent stuff out. It’s really starting to bother me. I know you’re independent. I know you can take care of yourself, but I WANT to do things for you”. I was speechless. Not because what he said was so profound, but because I realized that by trying to protect myself from being hurt, I was actually hurting him. He couldn’t fully treat me the way he wanted to because I was getting in the way. On that day I vowed to keep my Miss Independent in check.

It’s been hard, but I’m getting better at it. Now, before anyone gets all up in arms I’m not saying that I’ve become completely dependent on my FI. Instead I’m learning how to control the urge to remind him that I can take care of myself. He already knows this and honestly, it’s one of the things he loves most about me. I think he said it to me best. Most people come to a relationship thinking that you need each person to put in 50% to make it 100% when they need to bring 100% to help the relationship function in abundance. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Who wants to be in the relationship with someone who doesn’t give 100% of themselves? Or worse, who wants to be in a relationship with someone who is needy? Being independent isn’t a bad thing; it’s actually great to be able to function as a fully capable, successful adult. The problem comes when you feel the need to constantly remind someone of your independence. That’s what I was doing. I’m independent, but now that I’m getting married I’m learning how to work with my future husband to build a healthy and prosperous future.

Yup….He’s the ONE!!

When I first announced my engagement to my friends and family I was met with mixed reactions. My parents were beyond happy for my FI (that’s bride shorthand for fiancé) and I. My biological father asked me if I was sure I wanted to get married o_O! But the main reaction I got was, “OMG!!!! I can’t believe YOU’RE getting MARRIED! How did you know he was the one?” Now some people would have gotten offended with such a reaction, but I understood where my friends were coming from. I mean honestly I can’t believe I’m getting married.

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane…or as my girls’ might say “The Walk of Shame”.

I didn’t date when I was in high school. My parents (especially my mother) were extremely strict when it came to dating. Blame it on the fact that my mother was pregnant with me at 19 or the fact that my father remembered how he was as a teenager. I don’t know the reasoning, but I do know that when I hit the ripe age of 16 my parents shut down all hope I had of having a boyfriend. Well fast forward to my first year in college and all of that changed because of one thing….F-R-E-E-D-O-M!! That’s right I was free and 900 miles away from the watchful eye of mommy and daddy. Please believe I made up for lost time. Between the ages of 19 and 26 I was rarely without a male “friend”. Notice I didn’t use the term “boyfriend” and for good reason. Most of the guys I became involved with were never boyfriend material. I began this downward spiral of emotional and mental destruction, choosing one guy after the next who I knew weren’t good enough for me.

**Side Note** There is such a thing as someone not being good enough for you. If you have goals and ambition and the person you are messing with is content with sitting on their momma’s sofa and mooching off of others, then that person is NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!! END OF STORY! It took me a long time to get this through my head and internalize it. I’ll leave that to another blog post though.

Now, I didn’t come from a broken home. I didn’t have “Daddy Issues”. Yet I “dated” these random guys because….well because I could. There was no one there to stop me. At times my friends would hint at the fact that I was out of control, but then we would go back to partying and BSing. I was young and I wanted to have fun. Looking back on those years I see all of the mistakes that I made but they have made me the person I am today.

Dealing with all the random guys made it possible for me to know when I had the real thing. He was opposite of almost every other person I was with. Being with him made it easy to be me. When we talk, it’s like I am talking to a part of myself that I was missing. He made me feel whole! I know it sounds cheesy but what I am saying is biblically based. Genesis 2:21-23 – (21) So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. (22) Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. (23) The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” When God made Eve he took something from Adam and placed it in her. Adam was incomplete without Eve and in turn without Adam, Eve was not where she was meant to be. That’s how I knew my FI was the one. I felt at home with him. I found where I needed to be. So yes, sometimes it’s still a shocker that I am getting married. But I can say without a doubt that he is the ONE!